The meaning of mentoring

The meaning of mentoring

By Harav Y. R. Rubin Shlita

You may recall that a few weeks ago a chaburah for young men who are working with youngsters in the community as mentors was launched. Usually, the passport into such mentoring is being asked to learn one to one with a talmid who is finding it hard keeping up. As we began to share our experiences, the group realized quickly that indeed such an arrangement is only an entry point into the world that is the youngsters’ reality.

More often than not, having difficulties in school is an indication of a whole host of problems and a knowledgeable mentor is the one safe address that is available to open the child’s heart and give him the chizuk to rise above his challenges. Difficulties in learning are as varied as there are students; each one is unique and needs individual understanding.

As the weeks have passed and the chaburah has developed, I have found such great chizuk from those attending. The love and care they offer these boys is amazing. Each week we analyze different scenarios and as we discuss approaches needed, we all are able to add personal experiences. Sometimes I find myself sitting with individual yungeleit after a session and discussing particular individual cases with a sense of wonder at their caring attitude. Spending these hours opens up everyone’s heart; we find new insights and gather new chizuk.

Some problems keep recurring; it’s as if certain fault lines are common, no matter the child’s background.

Obtaining a positive self-image is one major challenge. Many of our kids seem to have no real positive awareness of their worth. Some of them have been “failures” from the start of their educational lives, and because they don’t seem to gain positive recognition along the way, they just become totally dejected and accept that they are “losers”. Another difficulty is that it is obvious that some of our kids have no idea of or belief in how holy their neshoma is, how vital they are to Klal Yisroel. Some children go through cheder and then yeshiva, sadly never realizing that they indeed are unique and vital to the world. The Peasetzna Rebbe ztl writes about this scenario in his monumental sefer “Chovos Hatalmidim”, describing to students how they carry tremendous kedusha and are tasked with bringing their own special tikun into this world. Imagine instilling in a youngster who feels a failure the concept that in fact he is a vital component of the spiritual make-up of the world, and that his every brocho is important to Hashem.

The world today is one in which individuals, face being marginalized; we prefer large numbers fitting into safe, rigid boxes.

 

Speaking of which, another vexing problem we see is that bitochon, emunah in Hashem, although something we have long taken for granted, is in fact sometimes a very hazy concept to many of the young. It isn’t spoken of at home, nor in school; we just figure our kids have it and won’t ever question it. Sadly, we are living in a generation where nothing can be left to chance. Youngsters today are different from previous times, and their sense of spirituality must not be taken for granted.

The mentor is at a great advantage in being able to detect these core problems and direct the boys towards a change of direction. In our sessions we discuss danger signs, signals that all is not well. Many challenged children are carrying with them the difficult baggage from homes that are in turmoil. We also have to be able to decipher suggestions of abuse.

The mentor may be the one adult figure that the youngster can trust. What to do with that trust, how to enhance the youngsters self-image and connection with Hashem, is no easy task. Someone taking on a mentoring position must be aware of his responsibility and know in his heart that this is Hashem’s will. He has been given this challenge and it is his remit to do whatever is possible.

Every time we get together, just the ability to schmooze and face problems that are often kept trapped inside the mentor’s heart because of a lack of like-minded company, enables us to give answers that can’t be found in any book. In the Chassidishe world of yesteryear, the whole educational system was built on mentoring. It may have gone under a different name, but basically, the shtiebel educational system was held together by mentors who gave a vibrant sense of living Torah life to generations.

The world today is one in which individuals, face being marginalized; we prefer large numbers fitting into safe, rigid boxes. The reality isn’t so accommodating, and the challenges are growing ever larger. Mentoring offers help, not just in learning a line of Gemoro, but in becoming integrated into a vibrant Torah life. Mentoring is much more than just sitting with an open sefer, or sharing a pizza, although both are unique and special. Giving tools to mentors is vital, and allowing them the space to share and grow in this important vocation is imperative.

We hope to roll out our program to other communities in time, and offer our support for those seeking advice. Two things we learnt from the very first day: we can’t record our sessions, and placing our findings in some sort of textbook would probably not reflect the essence of what is needed.

Recording would make participants self-conscious, and vital to the success of the program is the ability to talk freely and frankly without thought of who will hear what is said later. As for a future textbook, that is a possibility. But any written word would lack the vibrancy and warmth of what is truly a soul- saving enterprise.

I hope to keep you, the reader, up to date with future advances. All I ask for now is your chizuk by giving mentoring the support it so richly deserves.

 

Sponsored Leilui Nishmas

Reb Yisroel Aryeh Z”L ben Reb Shmuel Z”L